Sunday, January 22, 2012
So, what to say? You must be getting sick of my excuses as to why I haven't written something in a long time. Basically, out of laziness. As always.
I guess I've gotten into life a bit more? Like, I actually stand a chance to find a job sometime soon again, I started doing my driver's license and I'm generally more active in life. Do I feel more happy? Not really.
My entire life feels even worse than usually, of course that might also come from certain other things happening in my life. I've deleted Lena, for like, the second time. It hurts, a lot, but I'm sure it's the best for us. I hurt her, and she hurts me, and in the long run it's better for us to stay away from each other, I think. She's still really important to me, aside from everyone bashing on her. She's not a bad person, despite what some people might think about her, and I'm still happy for the time I was able to spend with her. But aside from that? I feel like I've lost everything online. I still talk to people, it's not that, but I can't connect with Miro like I used to. We had a big fight, and recently he just bought me a Christmas Present which I wasn't expecting, so we kind of talked again. I still think it's best if everyone just stays far, far away from me. So far I've hurt EVERY person I've had contact with sooner or later. I'm not kidding. I am also not trying to sound like some impossible alien life form, I'm merely stating a true fact. I'm an asshole, I'm selfish, I'm a pessimist, I'm depressed like 24/7. I'm not special, I don't have any talents, I can't draw, I can't sing, I don't look very good, decent if anything. I guess you can say I write well, and I write a lot, and I have a lot of imagination when writing things and I could quite possibly write you thousands of stories if I would get the actual motivation to put things into motion, but that's exactly what isn't happening. I've started writing a story, but that's it. I don't actually finish it, and I suppose I will never do that, all these ideas in my head, all these possibilities, possible outcomes, anything really that's just racing and stirring inside my head every ever lasting second of my miserable yet incredibly enduring existence on this very planet you're all right now, this very moment, spending your lives upon. Did you read the last sentence? Were you able to fully comprehend the capacity of my rambling? Things like that just pop out of my mind like fireworks at New Year's. And I can't write it down, I can't, I try, but I don't have the power nor the will to actually do it.
But all this moaning aside, it's not the worst thing that's troubling my mind as of late. I'm speaking about the birthday of my mother, which was this week. She celebrated today, was all quite jolly and great, but I was just so depressed about everything that's happened in my life that I started getting severe headaches when we were at our neighbor's. They've asked, yeah, I told them my head was in pain. Of course I did not mention it was of all the sadness that's been streaming through my thoughts the last couple of weeks. So after a while they suggest to maybe relocate some dislocated bones or some shit to make it stop. A very clever tactic, and I suppose it would've worked, if my head wasn't in pain because of something else. So I said: "No, it's fine." and a friend of my mother said "Oh come on, just let me do it." - "No, leave me alone." - "It will only take like a second." - "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." And then I left.
I don't want to think about what their impression was, they're all still somewhat strangers, and I've probably left the worst kind of impression I could've possibly left. I went home and, yeah, I wasn't exactly feeling good about it either. I'm not sure how I will face them again. Actually, I just want to be alone. Not really, but yeah. I am lonely, but this is good, right? No it's not, but it's the best. Ugh.
I've watched a lot of Doctor Who, which is probably the best series I've ever watched in my entire human life. It gets a lot of extra points because I can relate to the Doctor and his pain. You should all really give it a try. I haven't watched any anime, although I plan on finishing Bakemonogatari once I'm up to date with Doctor Who.
In all my misery, I've got to say, though, I met quite a lot of nice people again. Some old friends, some just some strangers I've finally gotten closer to. I don't know what I should make of it, but I'll try to spend more time with them and perhaps live a little again. Probably won't do me any good, but what can I do.
I haven't stopped caring, I wish I would, it takes away the pain, but it's hard to stop caring. So I just bid you adieu again, hope you're all alive and kicking and hopefully not as disgusted at life as I currently am. You take care of yourselves.
Just so nobody can say my music is what makes me depressive, this is what I listen to:
Monday, January 2, 2012
Just so much fucking to tell, so little time. I'm so terribly sorry, but it just seems like I'm getting more and more lazy the longer I'm owning this blog. Maybe it's also the fact that the design is slowly but steadily getting lame, and I'm oh so craving to open up another blog. But if I did, what would happen to all of this? Would anybody ever still bother reading my past? I doubt it.
So yeah Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year or something, I don't really care for any of it, my Christmas I spent with Lena (Which I visited, yeah) and New Year's eve was basically just me and Miro (Yes we're pals or something again, not sure if I mentioned this) farming cooking recipes for a World of Warcraft achievement (Yes I picked up playing that again).
Oh, and yeah, Lena and I broke up. It may not be the happiest thing to talk about, but we did it in good ways, in person and are still being very friendly towards each other, so no harm done. Nonetheless I still cry sometimes, and I do miss her and the old times, but this is probably the best course of action.
I'm being perfectly honest guys I have no fucking idea what I did during the time I did not talk to you. I think I played the same games as usual, maybe a bit of Telltale's Jurassic Park, and generally showed Lena a lot of games while I was at her place. And yeah, I played a lot of World of Warcraft. I don't think there's anything really to go into detail with, I'm sure you know the usual games I play, League of Legends and shit, and WoW is not really a very unknown game (Although it's being judged quite harsh by most people). When I was at her place we did lots of shit, but nothing important, mainly I really just sat at her laptop and played, you'd think we are a weird couple, we even played an eroge together, but spending time with her was really fun in general. We did visit the winter market once, met up with a friend of her who's also sort of an Otaku, it was fun talking and she also knew about Touhou and Homestuck, and apparently is a lolicon as well! It was cool and all, but I didn't really talk to her after that again, even to this day, I mean I have her on MSN, I haven't spoken a word to her at all. The neighborhood Lena's grandparents live in had a really Tranquility Lane like feeling from Fallout 3. Everything was peachy, everything even looked the same. She made a few pictures, maybe I'll post them sometime on Twitter.
Animes, well, as a matter of fact I did watch a few episodes of Higurashi no Naku Koro ni at Lena's place, she didn't watch it yet, and it seemed like a fun idea to do. Other than that, a big no go, but I've gotten more determined to finally work down my endless of animes I still have to watch, and the one I'll probably watch the most is Mirai Nikki. But for now I'm still way too preoccupied with watching all new seasons of Doctor Who (Which, in case I haven't mentioned it yet, is probably one of the most amazing series I have ever watched in my entire life), and since each episode features 40(!) minutes, and it has, I think 5 or 6 seasons, each featuring 14 episodes, that makes about 2800 minutes, meaning 46 hours, meaning almost two days of playtime. A long series.
Yeah, I don't know what else happened, talked a bit to Shade again, which I'm glad for, made a new streaming group Steam, which looks pretty cool, started playing some weird eroge I found, it was in English, and yeah that's all there is to say so far, folks.
Here's a random video of something I like:
I hope you've all really enjoyed your holidays, see you next time.