Sunday, January 22, 2012

Crystalline Hope


So, what to say? You must be getting sick of my excuses as to why I haven't written something in a long time. Basically, out of laziness. As always.

I guess I've gotten into life a bit more? Like, I actually stand a chance to find a job sometime soon again, I started doing my driver's license and I'm generally more active in life. Do I feel more happy? Not really.

My entire life feels even worse than usually, of course that might also come from certain other things happening in my life. I've deleted Lena, for like, the second time. It hurts, a lot, but I'm sure it's the best for us. I hurt her, and she hurts me, and in the long run it's better for us to stay away from each other, I think. She's still really important to me, aside from everyone bashing on her. She's not a bad person, despite what some people might think about her, and I'm still happy for the time I was able to spend with her. But aside from that? I feel like I've lost everything online. I still talk to people, it's not that, but I can't connect with Miro like I used to. We had a big fight, and recently he just bought me a Christmas Present which I wasn't expecting, so we kind of talked again. I still think it's best if everyone just stays far, far away from me. So far I've hurt EVERY person I've had contact with sooner or later. I'm not kidding. I am also not trying to sound like some impossible alien life form, I'm merely stating a true fact. I'm an asshole, I'm selfish, I'm a pessimist, I'm depressed like 24/7. I'm not special, I don't have any talents, I can't draw, I can't sing, I don't look very good, decent if anything. I guess you can say I write well, and I write a lot, and I have a lot of imagination when writing things and I could quite possibly write you thousands of stories if I would get the actual motivation to put things into motion, but that's exactly what isn't happening. I've started writing a story, but that's it. I don't actually finish it, and I suppose I will never do that, all these ideas in my head, all these possibilities, possible outcomes, anything really that's just racing and stirring inside my head every ever lasting second of my miserable yet incredibly enduring existence on this very planet you're all right now, this very moment, spending your lives upon. Did you read the last sentence? Were you able to fully comprehend the capacity of my rambling? Things like that just pop out of my mind like fireworks at New Year's. And I can't write it down, I can't, I try, but I don't have the power nor the will to actually do it.

But all this moaning aside, it's not the worst thing that's troubling my mind as of late. I'm speaking about the birthday of my mother, which was this week. She celebrated today, was all quite jolly and great, but I was just so depressed about everything that's happened in my life that I started getting severe headaches when we were at our neighbor's. They've asked, yeah, I told them my head was in pain. Of course I did not mention it was of all the sadness that's been streaming through my thoughts the last couple of weeks. So after a while they suggest to maybe relocate some dislocated bones or some shit to make it stop. A very clever tactic, and I suppose it would've worked, if my head wasn't in pain because of something else. So I said: "No, it's fine." and a friend of my mother said "Oh come on, just let me do it." - "No, leave me alone." - "It will only take like a second." - "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." And then I left.

I don't want to think about what their impression was, they're all still somewhat strangers, and I've probably left the worst kind of impression I could've possibly left. I went home and, yeah, I wasn't exactly feeling good about it either. I'm not sure how I will face them again. Actually, I just want to be alone. Not really, but yeah. I am lonely, but this is good, right? No it's not, but it's the best. Ugh.

I've watched a lot of Doctor Who, which is probably the best series I've ever watched in my entire human life. It gets a lot of extra points because I can relate to the Doctor and his pain. You should all really give it a try. I haven't watched any anime, although I plan on finishing Bakemonogatari once I'm up to date with Doctor Who.

In all my misery, I've got to say, though, I met quite a lot of nice people again. Some old friends, some just some strangers I've finally gotten closer to. I don't know what I should make of it, but I'll try to spend more time with them and perhaps live a little again. Probably won't do me any good, but what can I do.

I haven't stopped caring, I wish I would, it takes away the pain, but it's hard to stop caring. So I just bid you adieu again, hope you're all alive and kicking and hopefully not as disgusted at life as I currently am. You take care of yourselves.

Just so nobody can say my music is what makes me depressive, this is what I listen to:

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